Monday, May 31, 2004

Slipping sands of time..

I just got a call not too long ago from a good friend who asked me out for a drink and I had to give him a time frame in which I was available to see him. Only and hour was all I had to spare I said. He then declined and said that in that case, it was all right, never mind.. and he hung up.

Now after that call, I fell strange. I feel like picking up the phone and calling him to tell him that I can make it and that I will see him and all my friends whom I haven’t seen in awhile. But I can’t. I can’t pick up the phone and call him to tell him that I can go because I have already made plans. It sucks though. Really it does. Saying “no” to friends has never been easy for me. This is even harder because I think that this group of friends and I have drifted away. I have reasoned it all out and I think that there is no one to be blamed in this matter. There are no people to point fingers at and no reason why this has happened.. it just did and time slipped by us and it has been awhile since we all sat down and had a chat, a laugh and a drink or two.

I remember those times when they would swing by and we would all go and have fun, laughing and talking the night away. The parties and fellowship that we shared together is all but a memory now. Sad how in a span of 3 months, things can change so rapidly and I find myself grasping at things that were never mine to begin with. There was a good illustration that I read in a book a long time ago, whereby relationships are like sand clutched in your hand, the harder you squeezed the more sand slipped by but the less you squeezed, the possibility of having more sand in your hand would increase. (Or something along those lines) I guess maybe this time I am holding on a little to loosely.. But I do not know where to begin to mend this gap of sorts between us all. I wonder too if I have changed in such a short time, or if they have changed or if it is just us and ‘time’ which has passed us all so quickly.

I guess in some ways I have changed - College has started again for me, church work has increased, I have new friends and my own nonsense to deal with.. But it can’t be that I am a totally different person now, could it? I know now what I want in life, about what I can and cannot take, and I am more certain about things that were once very cloudy and blur in my mind, but they, my friends are what I need and want still. They are still such a special bunch of people and its sad to say ‘no’ to them and sad to see them go about doing things without me, I do feel left out but accept that these things happen because I guess that is the price you pay when ‘time’ and ‘change’ merge together.. .. ..

*~* She *~*

She was dressed in a pink frilly frock,
With a yellow band on her hair.
She was going to be seven,
Everything seemed to go her way,
It was her birthday today.
She had a pink birthday cake,
with Mickey and Minnie mouse,
It even had smarties
and for decoration white sugared ice.
When the presents came,
She was so surprised,
She tore the wrapper with glee,
And it seemed that her face radiated with a glow,
This was a moment of pure happiness and joy.
After the guests had left,
And she was all tucked up in her bed,
She said a prayer that everyday would be like this,
Full of fun, laughter and fun,
Sweets, presents and cake
But most of all she wanted everyday to be filled with happiness.

She looks at faded photographs and sees her smiling face
The smile so radiant and so sweet,.
The innocent looks, the wishful thinking,
The hopeful heart and the daydreaming.
She remembers the days of pink dresses and yellow hair bands
Of Mickey and Minnie, sweets and candy.
Of days running around in the park, swinging high on swings,
Nothing to worry about, just dreaming dreams.
Flowers in her hair,
Dolls and teddies picnics in the park,
Coloring books and blowing bubbles in the air.
Everything is different now nothing is the same.
Many things have happened to colour her years,
Patches of black in her rainbow of life.
She looks at the photo again and closes her eyes,
Tries to remember the days when things were simple,
And for a brief moment,
She is in her yellow hair band and her pink frilly dress
Making birthday wishes
Of everlasting happiness….….

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Wondering In Silence..

I would like to run barefoot in the sand
To feel the course rough grains underneath my feet
The wind will whip my hair all about

After some time I will stop at the waters edge
And grab wet lumps of sand in my hand
Throw them in the air and watch them disappear in the sea
Wondering in silence, when I am gone would anyone remember me?

I would like to dance in the rain
To feel the raindrops pelting my skin
The wet drops falling from the Heavens

After some time I lie on my back and watch them fall
I wave my hands in a star struck way and try to catch them with glee
But I see them fall and disappear slowly into the earth
Wondering in silence, when I am gone would anyone remember me?

So in the silence I wonder, will anyone remember me?
Will they say that I was some great beauty,
A poet, a person who had plenty,
A helper, a friend, a comforter,
A lover of stickers, comics and books,
A tomboy, an artist, someone with all the looks,
A schizophrenic, a lover, a joker,
An alcoholic, a person full of laughter,
A leader, a daughter, a painter,
A shoulder to cry on or maybe someone you could always rely on?
And then the silence is broken and my moment of wondering is gone…

Airports = Gateways

This year alone, I have been to the airport more than 5 times, the most times I have been to the airport in any given year. I also begin to realize that with each trip I make to the airport, the longing in me to go abroad deepens; the longing in me to visit my home in Temora, the longing to see other places that I can only see in the confines of my home in front of the idiot box, the longing to see other cultures, taste other food, smell and touch foreign things.. All these wants and longings stir in my heart restlessly like a lion pacing in its cage hoping for its return to the wild.

Every time I wave a friend off, I wonder when it would be my turn to go. My turn to heave my bags on the weighing scale to see if I have exceeded the baggage limit, when it is my turn to go down the escalators and wave goodbye to my family and friends. I know that I am one of those lucky ones that have had the opportunity to even get on an aeroplane and visited another foreign country. Yes, don’t get me wrong I am blessed and thankful. However, now that I know that there are such wonderful things abroad, it only increases my longing and wants to fly away to some distant country.

Its also true when they say that airports are gateways not only to another country but to another life. I believe that the moment you set foot in the aeroplane, your life changes and you are never the same again. Maybe this is just some silly little belief of mine, but how can you not change when you are away from home, away on a journey, on an adventure? Perhaps if you are going for a business trip, it is different, but it still does change your life, you could either get more clients, make that deal or not and etc. Even if you go for a family trip, your life still will change. You get to spend more time with your folks and it will make you love them or in some cases despise them more. Invariably, going abroad will change you. Sure doing everyday things might change your life as well, but I take airports to be some kind of symbol of change.

I see my friends going aboard to study and I wonder why am I not one of them. When I see friends going for vacations or for jobs that they have abroad, again I wonder why not me? After some time of pondering and wondering and pondering again and again over and over about why it isn’t me getting on the plane, I realized that perhaps it is not my time yet. Perhaps one day soon, I will be that one boarding the plane and waving to goodbye to my friends with weepy eyes but with a wide smile and much joy in my heart. So now, I guess I have convinced myself (for now) that my time will come soon.. So yeah.. I will be leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again.. (Still trying to convince myself) .And for those lucky ones that get to go on aeroplanes a lot and who will be going abroad or are abroad studying, do enjoy yourself twice fold for me and consider yourself very blessed.

Saturday, May 29, 2004

“White White wine.. Goes to my head”

I never knew that white wine would be so deliciously tasty.. JD might be reduced to second place in my alcohol list (*oh the poor child*) Today was wonderfully full and exciting, so to say. Very unpredictable as well, the type of day that comes as a wonderful and pleasant surprise. So.. yeah.. The morning was basically spent at home whereby I cleaned my pigsty of a room and did chores and stuff. Then after that, I went for afternoon tea with my mum. It was just pleasant talking to her over a lattes and scones about her life and mine, except the part where she was prying too much I felt. Made me slightly uncomfortable. Anyways, after that I went to Possums house and we promptly made our way to church. We spent a good 15 minutes trying to light all the candles there as it had rained earlier. Then we went for mass and I was the gift bearer for that mass (felt slightly symbolic as I had much to offer up). After mass, Possum and I went for drinks before dinner at a friends. We also bought 2 bottles of white wine to bring for the dinner.

Dinner was steamboat and it went well with the white wine.. and boy oh boy, did I like the white wine. Over dinner, all of us talked and laughed and my friends dad, opened more wine for us to consume which of course we happily did. Then came the standard photo taking and then we were off to the club again to have more drinks and merriment. We had games of darts and pool which I didn’t lose to badly in.. but when I did I had to down the wine and all too soon, I was having that “floaty” feeling.. ahhh!!! I spoke to an Indian gentlemen there with his wife. He said that he could imagine his children in the future doing the things that we were doing, playing darts, smoking, hanging out and etc. I told the man then that perhaps he would take all that he said back once he knew what we were really like. I honestly would never want my kids to be like my friends or me. It was nice.

The drinks finally ran out and some of them had to leave, so Possum and I decided to head on home too. However before I reached home, we talked and we talked about everything under the sun and since alcohol has its ways of unraveling your tongue, I think I said too much to dear Possum so much so that Possum looked quite sick. (what a bad effect I have on people) I finally reached my door step rather late, and got a good yelling at by my folks, but I reckons that it was worth it all. Another wonderful night of doing nothing but being free and being alive and young..

Friday, May 28, 2004

Always second best...

Yup yup.. thats is how I feel at the moment, and that is how I have felt numerous times in my life - Second best. As you would have guessed by now, I have gotten my results, and it is not that favourable. Well honestly I did better than I thought I would do. I honestly thought I was going to flunk my Management Principles paper, because I just gave up on studying for it as I was really far behind due to me starting in the middle of the semester. I know that it was a really wrong thing to do and I should have tried harder, but then again I guess there are alot of things that I could very well do and try harder at, given the unlikely possibility that I could turn back time. But oh well, I guess I should be satisfied with what I got, but sadly I am not. Bye Bye deans list. Maybe the next exams huh? If you are still wondering what I got, I got an A, two A- 's and one C+. Yeah... oh well.. atleast I didn't flunk anything. (I am trying in vain to console myself)

I honestly find that strange.. Me comforting myself over my exam results. Once upon a time, I would have been over the moon had I gotten C's for my results. Just passing was like WOW.. and I would be over the moon with just passing. But now, getting a C is like 'SHITE, I got a C' (Gasp! The Horror! The Horror!)I honestly don't know when and why this has happened, I guess people do change and I guess I realized that getting good grades was difficult but not impossible and that I wasn't really that stupid after all. I guess a few weeks before SPM really changed me, I did the best I could then, but it was to late.. but since then I have strived to prove to everyone that I am not stupid or blonde. (sure I may act all dizzy and blonde, but trust me.. I am by all means NOT either of them!)

So yeah, second best. That is me. Only once have I gotten first in class, that was in standard one, a jolly good 15 years ago. Geesh! Talk about a long long time. Then there were the times when being first was always just within reach but alas.. it would fall into the hands of others more worthy than I. Besides studies, I have always been second best in the family, or so that is how I feel. Everything seems to revolve around my brother and I didn't have the same oppotunities that he got.. and honestly I don't buy that whole "He is a boy..." crap! Equality I say!!! I wish that my parents would choose to listen to me instead of my brother about how our days went. Only after he has babbled on about his day am I allowed to speak. GAWD!!! It frustrates me so much, but I have learnt to live and deal with it and I don't resent him or them, just hope that one day they will actually take me seriously and listen to what I have to say first.

Then there is me being second best to my friends. There are times when they need me and I am their top priority in their lives. These are the times when they need a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to or someone to just be with. Then when the times are over and done with, they move on to 'greener pastures' until their next bout of unpleasantness comes along, and hi di ho, to the phone they go to call Jo. (Hey it sort of rhymes)Then there are the times when they are really bored and they have no one to hang out with and they decide to call Jo. I should have a hotline for that 1-8000-CALL-JO (Should charge them RM2.50 a minute that way atleast I will be making some money out of it!) *sigh* I know it all and I still put up with it - for whose sake I wouldn't know. Its sad, you know caring for people that don't really care for you. Sure there are those wonderful friends who are there all the time, and I really thank them for that, but the numbers sadly have dwindled to a handful. Perhaps in some way I am guilty of making others feel like they are second best, but I never realized that and if I did that, I am really sorry about it.

Last but not least is the feeling of being second best to the ones that you love. Its strange how you know that you can never replace the girl who was the love of your boyfriends life before.. how you will always be in her shadow.. how he wil never care as much for you and he did for her no matter what you do or say. Its also sad to know that he chose you simply because you were there at the right time at the right place. Yes, second best. It is also again sad to know that while you were in his life, he never felt complete, and that he wished for someone else to be there with him instead of you. Yes, second best. Its like, "Okay, can't have the gold, might as well settle for the silver - better than nothing right?" (Yet in their minds, they still yearn for the gold that they could not have at that moment)Can't someone.. anyone just love me for who I am and not because I am available.. is that really too much to ask for?

Strange how I seem to attract boys like these.. (I don't use the word 'men' because I don't think they are 'men'yet) How sad. I think I may have a problem with my radar or something as I seem to pick the men that would seriously turn my life up side down and then proceed to leave me with the wonderful job of making it right again. Oh well! I can't say that all my relationships were like that. Sure there were the odd ones that really put me as their number one, so much so that I felt like I was being suffocated.. I guess I am just fussy, but I reckon that it is my life and this is how I feel.

So yeah, second best. Gawd, this is an awfully long entry. Sorry.. Just get that way sometimes.. I write and I write and I never seem to be able to stop. Anyways, I would like to make a toast, to the people who are feel as if they are always second best, Hope that one day soon, you will be number ONE.. and My My, wouldn't that be a wonderful day! CHEERS!!!

Guess what? Still freaking waiting!!!

heylo.. guess what? I am still freaking waiting. I hate that.. Waiting.. Waiting.. Waiting.. like gawd!!! I have waited for so many things in life and I still have to wait and I know that as certain as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, I will have to do more waiting. Waiting for the results to come out, waiting for an answer, waiting for a phone call, waiting for the bus, waiting for the time to eat, waiting for a chance to shine, waiting for mail, waiting to see you, waiting to hear from you.. I am driving myself mental. Going to go now. Hopefully the waiting will be worth it in the end..
Yeah Yeah, I know that patience is a virture and yada yada.. let me moan for awhile, k? I have been good all morning!

* In my dreams *

Petals, wings, silent screams
All floating in the wind.
Lullabies, long goodbyes
Wishes and dreams.
Scary monsters are all after me
Nameless faceless people are taunting me
Wouldn’t they let me be?
Round and round in circles I go
In mazes and endless doors
I face Death, adventures and accidents galore.
Boomerangs thrown high up in the air
Balloons aimlessly floating
Lovers found and then they are gone
Kisses long and sweet
Things that make me laugh and smile
Make me remember for a little while
Make me hurt that make me weep
All come to me when I sleep



Every morning when I awake,
I lie in bed and try to capture
The tangles of dreams like cobwebs
That lingers about in my head.

They dart around in my mind,
Teasing me, taunting me, making me mad…
I search in vain
And try so hard to find
These dreams which seem so real
It seemed that I lived in another place and time.

A collage of dead ends,
Mazes and prisons,
A sprinkling of hope and passion,
And those ominous prophesies and visions.

By the time five seconds have passed,
My mind starts to forget whatever I have dreamt,
I feel they are important,
There is some meaning I cannot find…
But I just can’t tell you what or why.

So could someone please share with me…
Some ways and means to make them last
So that I wouldn’t have to lose them and say goodbye…
Oh dreams, such a joy and such a torture
Always there in the future, the present and the past.

Sheep and Mangoes

Its about 1.32am and I am just sitting here, not completely bored out of my mind (but getting there), tired but can't sleep, feeling my tummy grumble at me for feeding it vile food all day.

Firstly, there was the Jackson crab burger I had with Possum for my breakfast cum lunch which was super yum, though my breath smelt like onion for quite a while. Then there was tea cum dinner with G and B at A&W where I had a large combo meal 2. Upon arriving at home, I was fed half a Big Mac a handful of soggy fries and a lone single Chicken Mc Nugget. Oh, how could I forget the Mango. I ate the whole freaking mango. It was super sweet and I just kept popping it in my mouth and damn, and I realized I ate the whole freaking thing. Anyways, just think about all the junk food I ate today..GAWD! Its been this way since my mum and dad started to work overtime, so here I am, left alone to fend for myself. *sob sob* (Call me if any one needs a dinner partner)

I want to sleep, I want to go to dreamland, but I can't for some strange reason. It never has been a problem for me, falling asleep, but today.. well today seems to be one of those rare days when I can't. Tried having hot milk, but there wasn't any to be found. Tried counting sheep, but I can't seem to conjure up any sheep in my mind. All that I see in my head are white puffy things with smiling faces which do not by any means resemble sheep.. I also tried taking a hot shower, it didn't work though I smell real good and am actually more awake than before. Geee.. should have known... should have known.. *sigh*

So here I sit, on this early Friday morning, still thinking about the silly results, feeling my annoying overgrown tummy making pitiful noises and hoping that someone would call to ease my boredom. I am already starting to become addicted to this blog thingy - I think it is quite unhealthy.. but then again, I can feel my eyes slowly, I repeat slowly begin to droop. Perhaps another hour of this will work wonders and I will be in dreamland, dreaming of rainbows and fairies and a whole host of other wonderful things.

Well, Goodnights everyone out there in this wide wide world who just like me are unable to sleep.. Sweet dreams and may the morning greet you with warm sunshine, clear blue skies and cooling breezes. May God bless you and ANgels watch over you and all your loved ones..

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Anxiously Waiting..

Anxiously Waiting..
That is what I have been doing since my exams ended a good three weeks ago, waiting.. waiting for the results to be released. SIGH! I thought that it would be out on Monday so I was tossing and turning on SUnday night, but it didn't come out then. They then said that it would be out today, but NO, there wasn't anything. I asked them once more and they said that they would email me tomorrow or I could come to college on Saturday to see it. GAWD! another sleepless night and tomorrow I will be checking my email non stop. Hoping that the server wouldn't be down then. I really really hope that I pass all the papers, but I know I have... well fine I will say it, I want to be on the fecking deans list. I know though that to get a 3.5 gpa is damn difficult and since i screwed up one paper, the chances of getting that gpa is very slim.. sigh! Keeping my fingers and my toes crossed. I should seriously stop stressing and worrying about this. There are better things to worry about like globalization and its impact on society, starving children in Africa and wars... hmm... nah... still thinking about em. Well for those of you who are reading this PRAY PRAY PRAY that I get decent results. Thanks! (smiles) *Oh dear God, let there be a miracle*

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Just Three Things..

# Just Three Things.. #
Another survey that I saw and just 'had' to do

1. Joanne
2. Jo
3. Pui Mei

1. I am friendly
2. I am a good listener
3. I am nice

1. I love to procratinate
2. Lack of self confidence
3. I always care and get upset about what people say about me

1. Why good people have to suffer
2. Why I know that I there should be things that I shouldn't do but I still do them
3. Why doesn't anyone love me

1. People that pick their nose in public
2. People who hog the computer and phone when they know you need it
3. Having plans cancelled

1. The unknown
2. Accidents and Death
3. Losing people that I love

1. Food and water
2. Sleep
3. Laughter

1. Baskin Robbins
2. Lancome
3. McDonalds

1. Blink 182 - I miss you
2. Daniel Beddingfield - If you're not the one
3. Lux - Northen Lights

1. Peggy
2. Possum
3. Family

1. Lose weight
2. Drive
3. Stop caring for others

1. Reading
2. Writing
3. Arts and Crafts

1. My allowance
2. To see the Possum
3. To be on the deans freaking list

1. Journalist
2. Public Relations consultant
3. Opening my own arts and crafts shop

1. Blue
2. Black
3. Red

1. Disney Land
2. Australia
3. Paris

1. Drank a drink with leaves floating around in it
2. Disrupted my class again
3. Played virtual bowling with the Possum - won again (grin)

A brief glimpse of the years gone by & the years to come..

Was looking at some of the surveys on my friendster bulletin board and I noticed this particular survey and decided to post it up.. I think that its interesting as it made me think back to the past and to the future. Well hopefully all that I have typed will come true. So here it is, a brief glimpse of the years that have gone by and the years that will come soon enough..

10 Years Ago, I...
1. was 12, and was in SRK DJ (1)
2. First time I beat up a guy (he bloody deserved it)
3. Said goodbye to the best teacher I ever had
4. won a prize for an art competition

5 Years Ago, I...
1. prepared to go to Australia
2. a car accident robbed me of a good friend
3. got my first real boyfriend
4. realized that everything was going to change once I left school

3 Years Ago, I...
1. was in the student council at IACT
2. finally got good results
3. was 17 kilos heavier and I was a fatty
4. had to readapt to my life back in Malaysia

2 Years Ago, I...
1. lost someone I loved the most
2. realized that was so much more to life than what I was living at the moment
3. got my first job waitressing
4. got interviwed by the Star for World Poetry Day

A Year Ago, I...
1. got my heart broken
2. met some really wonderful people
3. saw a possesion and subsequently didn't have a good time on a trip
4. was lost and didn't know what i wanted in life

So Far This Year, I...
1. have started at Stamford college
2. had my heart broken but survived
3. got to know a wonderful Possum
4. have learnt to Love myself and to be just ME

Yesterday, I....
1. watched TV with my mum for 5 hours
2. had my 2 first classes for this new semester
3. ate an evil custard bun
4. had lunch with an old friend and a new friend at SEED Cafe at 1 Utama

Today, I ....
1. drank a cocktail with leaves floating in it =)
2. met a Chinese boy who asked me if I wanted to learn Mandarin
3. played virtual bowling with Possum
4. watched "TROY" again with friends

Tomorrow I will...
1. be attending my first 'critical thinking' class
2. be seeing the Possum
3. hopefully getting good results
4. having a wonderful day

And in 10 years time I intend to...
1. be married and have 3 wonderful children
2. drive myself around
3. have my first book published
4. have travelled to atleast three countries

Down The Street

Down The Street

Down the street I walked today
No expectations, no emotions, no words to say
Only my eyes could see the misery and pain
As I walked slowly through the rain

The street was straight
But for the people living on it, it was just too late
They came from all walks of life
Now they live a life of heartache and strive

Their eyes turned away when I reached out my hand
I was a stranger in their land
I could never be like them
I could never ever understand

I knelt on the ground and again I stretched out my hand
My eyes unblinking and unwavering
They looked at me there on the ground
They uttered not single sound
Just held my gaze for some time
And knew that I did not blame them for their crime

Open arms and open hearts were there that day
Suddenly there was so much to say
The heartache, the stories and the pain
Was all spoken aloud in the pouring rain

We were all the same then
Friends yet strangers standing in the rain
Hearts swung wide open
Nothing to lose and so much to gain

At the end of the street I turned
A heart still open, a heart that burned
Knowing that things could not change
A vicious cycle, which would always stay the same
So I said a prayer to my God above
For peace in their hearts
Faith, hope and lots of trust

Down the street that day
I learnt lives hardest lesson so to say
That sometimes no matter how much we try
Something’s were just meant to be that way
Some people live and some have to die
Some take different turns and all we can do is sigh
But all in all we are all Gods creation
We all have the same hopes, dreams and passion
Yet something separated us still
Lost lives, crossroads, a street
And an empty heart only God could fill

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

- Custard Buns and Bus Rides -

- Custard Buns and Bus Rides -

It beckoned to me with its little voice.. It was creamy and yummy, about 6centimetres in diameter. It had powdered sugar on the top and was chilled just right..”YumYum.. a custard bun”. I heard its loving voice and looked at it and I couldn’t help but reach out rather suddenly(thanks to its hypnotic little voice) and pulled a little to hard on the sliding glass door that separated us both and grabbed at it.. unfortunately I forgot rather conveniently about my poor finger which happened to be at the edge of the other sliding door, so WHAM! went the glass door on me finger and I yelped in blinding pain as I literally saw stars and spots in front of me. Shitters!!! I wanted to scream but could only nurse the injured finger and ego and swear under my breath (since it was a public place after all) whilst clutching the freaking custard bun, which after all was the source of all my problems, then and to come - I know that its beckoning and calling me will do me no good whatsoever and will no doubt contribute to my ‘growth’. So I paid for the custard bun and left the confines of the shop, my appetite and the appeal of the freakin custard bun forgotten as I moved my injured finger to see if it was in working condition.. thank God it was. When I reached home, I put that vile little custard bun into the fridge and promptly forgot about it.. until today when I got home after college and decided that I needed to eat something, anything. I opened the fridge door and low and behold I heard that annoying voice again.. so to put it out of its custardy misery, I ate it.. and boy oh boy did it taste good, “YumYum… a custard bun”. By the way, the finger is alright now… *grin*

Today, the start to my new semester. I must say that getting up early is proving to be a horridly unpleasant task. Thanks though to the Possum who lovingly sends me to and from college and everywhere else. I think I have become rather spoilt by the Possum. Anyways, class was filled with students from China, who greeted me with “Nee How!” (did I spell it right?) and to which I dumbly replied ‘hi’ and they thus proceeded to converse with me in Mandarin whilst I stared at them blankly and confessed rather foolishly that I could speak only English, which they proceeded to ask me “You Chinese, No??” I just said.. “Huh, sorry no speak Mandarin”. I wanted to crawl under the table and hide there as choruses of laughter rang around me. Then the voice of my savior rang out, “No worry, we speak Engrish!” BLESS the kind soul!!! I looked up and beamed at him and then started talking ‘engrish’ to my new friends.

General psychology I have to say seems to be interesting and I am looking forward to learning it, though I have to fork out 80 bucks for a text book which as the leturer says is worth it because it comes with a FREE CD-rom. Whoppie!!! Just what I need a psychology CD-rom. After the class, the lecturer asked the class if they understood what he had just taught them, he was duly greeted with blank stares and solemn faces. Poor students couldn’t understand a thing. Poor lecturer who kept repeating what he said over and over again. Poor me listening to it over and over again and wishing I was somewhere, anywhere..

Oh well! That was my first class. A scrumptious lunch followed soon after at SEED Café with an old friend and a new one. I did have fun, though I think I was a little spaced out thinking about possums and studies and a whole host of other things on my to-do list. My second class of the day was a complete and utter disaster. The lecturer was so soft spoken that none of us could make out what he was mumbling. He proceeded to then ask us our opinion on television and about its effects and yada yada. Basically that is what the whole course is all about.. television and your opinion and critic on it. Gawd!!! Oh well, I like it, but I really don’t quite fancy the lecturer. Everyone was so not paying attention to him and I was half asleep praying that 5.50pm would come soon.

It did, and I got on the Stamford school bus and went to the LRT station only to see the bus 99 disappearing round the corner. Sigh! Just had to happen today of all days. So sleepily I trudged to the LRT with my band of friends who were equally as sleepy, and I headed for Taman Bahagia station. I waited in queue and luckily for small blessings, the feeder bus came 10 minutes later. I got my sorry ass on the bus and chose a window seat and the next thing I knew, there was this lady sitting next to me talking to me about her job which had to do with management and house keeping and pest control – interesting combination, no? she proceeded to talk to me about the various houses she lived in which was incidentally all near my house. Soon after that, we reached the uptown area and we got off at the same spot. Good bye and see you soon was what she said and I realized that I did enjoy my ride home on the bus. I also realized that it has been ages since I actually sat alone on a bus or LRT alone. I guess it was nice to sit alone again and be able to think and watch the people go by and the cars whiz by without having to talk to anyone. I missed that.. yeah, I miss that! How strange. But really being driven around by my wonderful friends all this time was excellent, sure saved a lot of time and money for me. I think it was more of the feeling of being cared for that I like the most when I was in their cars *smiles* thanks from the bottom of my heart (you know who you all are!) – and to the Possum, really why do you wake up so early to send me to class??? You don’t really need to you know..

When I got home, it was just like old times you know.. walking home, saying ‘hello’ to the people I know down the street who were usually out watering plants or sweeping the yards – felt slightly fuzzy. I opened my gate and did my usual chores of taking in the clothes, harassing the fish and sweeping my own yard. Oh yeah, a family of birds just built their nest and laid their eggs in one of my dads hanging plants. Hope they survive this time without the idiot cat coming to disturb them again. Eating the vile custard bun whilst reading and laying on my bed with the air con on never felt so good. So was standing under the showerhead feeling the warm water splash all over me.. heavenly, and watching tv with my mum for 5 hours straight, that was fun.. miss doing that with her. Glad that I didn’t go out with my friends tonight, realized that I didn’t spend enough time with me mum.. Well it was wonderful.. Every little thing that I did today was wonderful. From last night’s custard bun, classes with boring ass lecturers, lunch with friends, bus rides, tv and everything else – I do wish I could have spent more time with my friends though, would have been the icing on the cake.

* P.S * To the Possum, thanks for everything, breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper and everything else in between. For the rides, the smiles, the hugs and the laughs.* Muaks Muaks*

Monday, May 24, 2004

~...~ ... Hope ...~...~


It is too late to change the past
Time has gone by ever so fast
And I cannot fight away all your fears
Or wipe away all your tears
Life has to go on as it always has and always will

We cannot live in the past
There is too much happening now in the present
Never look back in anger at the things you have done
Just keep the happy memories
The things that make you smile and laugh
These things are precious, these are the things that will last

Hope is the thing that keeps us moving
The thing that makes us smile when we feel like crying
That feeling which spurs our imagination
And keeps us moving and going

It makes us think about the future
Which holds such great promise
God’s ever eternal grace and the countless opportunities
Dreams we have yet to achieve
Things we have yet to do..
So start living again.. start believing… start hoping

`Virtual Insanity`

`Virtual Insanity`

Hyper Bowling – Gawd!!! So so damn addictive. After 23 games of virtual bowling with Eugene, I have come to realize that I not only love this game, I am quite good at it. What a way to spend the last day of my holidays.. playing game after game of virtual bowling. To make things more interesting, the loser had to be the ‘slave’ of the winner for a day.. and guess who won?!? ME.. whoppie!!! Hmmm.. still thinking of things that I want him to do for me.. any suggestions? *Grin* and to add more ‘life’ to the game, we actually went to taupau food like goring pisang, nasi lemak, those malay pancake thingys, vanilla coke and normal coke and apple pie. Gawd! I had so much fun. It was actually like damn tension at one time.. the 2nd game will be soon. Hoping that I woop this bum again this time, hehe!

I do declare though that these virtual games have become such an addiction for me. Ok ok.. so I don’t like those main stream games like CS or Diablo or whatever. I like arcade games. Silly games from yahoo. Yes yes!!! Sad little me, but I do like them and I play them happily whenever I can. I can see you all shaking your heads and wondering why why why??? Hehehe.. oh well I hope that this is just a phase, my whole obsession with the arcade games.

Yeahs insanity, craziness, madness, and lunacy.. Guess what I am actually wearing my Shrek ears as I type this down. My family thinks I am a bit sick in the head, but I think I am just happy that’s all. So if anyone has the urge to have them Shrek ears, you can call me and I will loan them to you for a day or two. *Grin* gawd I thinks I should go to bed now.. Tomorrows gonna be another long day in the real world.. but I will be ready for it!!!

* Smiles and more smiles to everyone, May you have a wonderful day today and tomorrow and the tomorrows to come... aight? See you alls soonest..

The Only Way

~ The Only Way ~
Silent suppressed screams echo endlessly
As feelings resurface for an old forgotten flame
Another mocking conclusion to a childish game.
Bitterness weaves gently into my soul
Choking me and hurting me with a nameless pain of old…
A deep burn flares rapidly within my core
And an ancient emotion so primal and cold trembles and roars
A hunger that becomes ever stronger, ever so bold
Overtakes my happiness and hopes that used to soar…
The hunger grips me and I take the glittering blade
Drawing intricate lines that will drip out the beast in my soul
The dazzling gashes on my wrist reveal nothing to the eye
Only an empty redemption that my frayed heart envelops and claims with a long weary sigh..
Forgetting the blade which glistens in the light
I unfasten windows of darkness and I descend into the night
For this is the only way of erasing truths so blatant and real
There are no more ways to piece the fragments of my being or to ever heal
This is the only way to escape the nothingness and anguish that I still feel..

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Between Darkness and Wonder

Between Darkness and Wonder
*Dedicated to the Angel from my nightmare* (wink wink)

Between darkness and wonder
There is where I met you
A surprise I must say
A pleasant ending to a horrible day.
Out of the dark and into the light
You emerged like a shinning knight.
An invisible stranger back from my past
Will this camaraderie last?
I never thought I would see you again
Nor let you try to erase my hurt and pain.
But you wormed your way into my heart
Two halves joined, never to part.
Could this be a mistake?
Another cruel twist of fate?
I cannot contemplate what is to come
I know though that this time I will not run.
So now again between darkness and wonder
I stand unguarded with arms spread out in sweet surrender.

In Pursuit of Happiness...

In pursuit of Happiness

I believe that everyone in life longs to be happy. To feel that sort of happiness that bubbles from the very core of your being, not that type of forced happiness that makes you smile a plastic smile so that people around you wouldn’t ask you for the zillionth time ‘What’s wrong?’ Yes, pretending to be happy… that’s what most of us are doing and sometimes we tend to fool ourselves into believing that we really are happy. Trust me on this when I say that pretending to be happy is a full time job and so is showing the world that everything is going on just fine and dandy. (The quote ‘ignorance is bliss’ is very much needed here)

I wasn’t feeling very well the past couple of weeks and as I lay in bed thinking about my life, I wondered if I really was happy. I began with thinking about the possessions I had, the things I had acquired with my hard earned money and I realized that although I was happy that I had them, I wasn’t “truly happy”. I felt that this sort of ‘happiness’ comes from showing the world that YES, you have it, you made it, you succeeded you have all this material stuff to show for… and you know what, it only makes me want more things, things that if I probed deeper into, would realize that I don’t really need or like in the first place – I guess this all has to do with ego and showing the world that ‘you can do it' and that 'you have it'...

Then I started to access the relationships I have with my friends (danger zone), and I realized that there were problems in that department as well. I can recall of hand the countless friends that made me feel angry and upset with the words they said and the actions that they did or perhaps didn’t do and then I realize, ‘Gee, with friends like these, who need enemies?’ It also made me see with clear unpolluted eyes, what a push over I am and it made me see myself in truer colors (it upset me quite alot, really!) I never really spoke up when my own good friends ridiculed me and I never stood up for friends who needed help, just because I wanted to unsure ‘peace’ amongst all parties and I kept my opinions to myself even though I disagreed and a whole host of other 'problems' with myself. Sounds like I am a peacemaker, huh? Perhaps I am, but I hate it! I hate the way that I can’t speak up because it truth, it hurts inside and heck I am by all means not happy in the 'friends department'. I don’t understand why I tolerate it all really… just a note here though, not all my friends are like that. I do have some really wonderful friends who are gems and who are really wonderful people that keep me sane and functioning(grin).

By now you must wonder what I am getting at, what is the point of all these words? Perhaps you think that I am some sort of crazed, mentally imbalanced person (which to a certain extent i think i am), rambling on about life and how unsettling and strange my life is, but I realize that if you don’t take some time to look at your own life and analyze where you are and where you are headed and where you want to go, you never truly get there. You never really settle the issues that you face, you just sweep it under a carpet and hope in time it will fade and be forgotten. Sorry, I have learnt sadly through numerous trials and errors that things don’t work that way. A friend once told me, happiness is not a destination, it is a journey.

And so yet again, I began the arduous task of thinking about my life and about things that I wanted to change and about the things that made me happy. I know that implementing things will be difficult, but change is not an impossible task. I believe that some people have already noticed the change in me and some of them don’t really like it, but I do and that’s what matters the most I think. I reckon I might eventually lose some friends this way, get into some silent wars or crazy outbursts and all that... but when I think about it, if thats whats gonna happen, then..... bring it on!!!

Well, back once more to the issue of happiness, the sort of happiness that bubbles up from the very core of your being, the type of happiness that makes you want to scream and laugh out loud, the kind of happiness that enables you to float on clouds when you walk... well I realize that there is such happiness in my life still. I am not pretending, it really exists… I just happened to forget about them thanks to the world and circumstances around me.

So what makes me happy??? Well, here goes, watching the sunrise, marveling over the colors of the sunset, dancing and prancing around my room to Tchaikovsky’s ‘Waltz of the Flowers’, long walks in the park, watching movies cuddled under warm blankets, reading a good book with chocolate chip cookies, finding good bargains, receiving an unexpected phone call, SMS, or email, having the last seat on the bus, getting snail mail from friends overseas, walking down the beach and feeling the sand underneath my feet, watching old couples hold hands, watching a jet fly across a perfect blue sky leaving a white streak behind it, feeding tortoises in the park, doing my arts and crafts, having surprise breakfasts in bed, realizing that I have extra money in my wallet, candles flickering in the wind, going shopping with my mum, talking to close friends till the sun comes up, massages, watching the stars at night, having the bus arrive on time, smiles from strangers, ice cold drinks and cool breezes on a hot day, invitations for ice cream, having lunch cooked for you, surprise manicures, hugs when you are lonely, watching movies alone, playing virtual bowling all afternoon, walking in the park, flowers in your mailbox... and you know what, if I go on, the list would take forever… and I realize that YES, I am so very blessed to have had so much happiness in my life… and you know what else, I know that there will be more happiness to come very soon. And as for the rest of you all reading this or glancing through, may you have as much happiness if not more happiness in your life as well...

Beautiful Solitude

Beautiful Solitude

The clouds, they moved silently across the sky,
Shapes and patterns, incomprehensible to the naked eye.
Seconds on the clock ticked by ever so slow
The sun rose and then it set
And the beautiful round moon began to glow.
The soft gentle wind, blew all around
Whispering secrets to the trees
Scattering leaves on the ground.
She walked by then holding a rose in her hand
Inside a broken heart, a frayed spirit no soul could ever mend.
The tombstones engraved with memories of another time glowed hauntingly bright,
Illuminated by the stark brilliance of the pale moonlight.
She knelt reverently on the slightly sodden patch of grass
And began to weep silent tears of days and moments gone pass.
The emptiness, the longing, the searching, the yearning
The desire, the ache, the hunger, the craving,
For just another chance to relive the moments,
Just a moment to recapture the fragments of ones being.
There veiled in the shadows of the night
Beautiful solitude..
That is what I saw,
An immaculate broken woman weeping
With an unspeakable misery, so excruciating so raw.
I wanted to reach out and comfort her but I could not
For it was because of me that this pain and sadness she bore…

* A Crave *

*A Crave*

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of having you besides me to hold me as I sleep

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of knowing that you will be there for me
Where ever I am, whatever the deed

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of promises whispered from the heart,
Never to be forgotten, never to part

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of wishes, of dreams
Of stars at night, of a person guiding me into the light

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of having you there to love me, to dance
To laugh, to smile, to weep

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of emptiness, of tears, of heartache, of pain
Knowing that when you leave nothing will ever be the same

Saturday, May 22, 2004

* Fleeting Moments *

* Fleeting Moments *

I believe that life is made out of many moments, moments of pure happiness and bliss, moments of joy and bubbly laughter and moments that fill your heart with such indescribable warmth. Then there are moments that make you sad, that make you want to weep; moments that hurt that tears your heart into ribbons it seems that at that very moment you can never be sewn back together again. Who can forget those moments that make you want to scream and shout and just reach out and rip something apart, or those moments that make you feel at peace with yourself and all those around you, those moments of immense serenity and solitude.

Of course there are also those moments of fear that make you want to wet your pants, moments of nervousness that make the butterflies fly uncontrollably in the pit of your belly and your heart thump like a marching band drum, or those moments of regret when you close your eyes and wish with all your might that things would change and your could turn back time. All these moments happen in our lives, but the sad part of it all is that, these moments are fleeting moments… moments that pass us all by.

So by writing in this new journal of mine, which I am letting the whole world read (God knows why I am actually doing this?) I am hoping to capture at least some of these moments of mine and by writing it all down, I want to share them with you.. For a joy shared is doubled and a sorrow shared is halved. So, I hope that all of you will have a wonderful time reading my journal which at times will be so utterly boring you would just skip parts of it, so long that you will also skip parts of it, so confusing that you will again skip and those short ones which you think are just nonsense and will skip it too. Oh well, thanks for at least trying to read it and if you have reached this far.. WOW! Thanks.. Please write your thoughts and your comments (constructive comments though) on what I have written.. Be as harsh as you like or be as pleasant as you like. I hope that with my writing, I may touch the lives of one at least one person.. Hopefully it is you! *Smiles*

Back Again To Me

Back Again To Me

Butterflies flittering gracefully against the backdrop of the night,
An endless expanse of stars, so blindingly hauntingly bright.
Candles that burn and flicker in the whispering wind
Kaleidoscopes of moments to ponder on, to reminiscence, to think.

Another time, another place where reality and fantasy merge as one
Grass grows and rivers flow under the blazing fiery sun
Always wandering aimlessly, searching and trying to find
Inside it’s empty and lonely, there is no place to run
Nature has its way with us…memories cannot be undone

Time teaches us lessons that our hearts need to learn
Old moments fade away to nothingness; to relive them again we desperately yearn

Me without you, I scream, I hurt, I cry, I smile, I laugh, I sing
Envisioning a flittering butterfly alone with brilliant, glorious wings

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