Sunday, July 26, 2009

And I find peace again

On Thursday, 16 July... My house got violated. To read about the whole sordid incident, please go to BeeStink's blog.

I do not have the mood or the patience to write about it again... or perhaps I just don't want to recall what happened. I don't want it to torment me anymore. Eveytime my parents go out and I am alone at home, they tell me that I don't need to lock all the doors in the house. They tell me that no one is going to come. I don't know if they tell me this to find their own comfort, or to give me comfort...
I think they refuse to think about the what-ifs 'cos they too are afraid.
Anyways, I finally have the time to write some of my thoughts down about this incident.


Fear drips from my pores
Lingers in me and around me
But I hide it carefully under layers of skin.
Every sound rocks my core
Pushes me to the edge of anxiety.

I replay scene after scene in my mind
Trying to figure out if things could have been different
If I could do things better.
I wonder why it happened?
Why here? Why now? Why us?
I torture myself with what-ifs,
The kind that make your skin crawl
That make salty tears roll down
One after the other in quick succession.
That leaves a metallic taste in my mouth.
That makes me want to regurgitate everything inside of me.

It torments me.

Every creak and groan of my house sets me alert
And I am tired but I cannot rest
Cannot find peace.
Sleep eludes me.
I wake up from my light slumber
Every time the wind blows,
Or the house creaks.
I imagine them lurking in the dark of night
And I am filled with unwanted fight.

I search for a way to ease my troubled soul
To write, to speak to churn out these thoughts.
But I find no one around me,
I find no inspiration.
I only find the metallic acrid taste.
Of fear.
Of worry.
Of torment.

Then I remember the one place
I can could truly feel safe,
And that was in Your tender arms,
Your tender embrace.
The only peace I find
Are in Your words
That comfort my troubled soul.
And I turn to You
And I find the calm and solace
That I have been searching for.
I find You.
You soothe me,
You saved me from drowning,
My foot from slipping.
You hold out Your hand,
I take it.
And I find peace again.

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