Sunday, April 27, 2008

Ache - James Carrington

Ache - James Carrington
Isn't it strange, the way things can change
Life that you lead turned on its head
Suddenly someone means more than you felt before
A house and its yard turns into home
I'm sorry but I meant to say
Many things along the way
So this one's for you

Have I told you I ache, have I told you I ache,
Have I told you I ache, for you...

Have I told you I ache, and I hope it's not too late,
Could I hold you and ache, for you...

Hours that it took, writing words for my book
Seem to have broken
The gate that I shut last time I got hurt
Seems to have opened itself
All the world, it's spinning now, it's tryina catch me up
Tell me to appreciate here and now
I'm sorry but I meant to say
So many things along the way
So this one's for you

Have I told you I ache, have I told you I ache,
Have I told you I ache, for you...

Have I told you I ache, and I hope it's not too late,
Could I hold you and ache, for you...

It's been 4 weeks...

Almost a month of being "untogether"...
A month of living seperate lives
of doing things alone
of trying to find myself without him there.
Been sick most of the week.
Some strange flu bug (the damn bug!).
This has made me feel even more upset than usual.
I felt strange... neither here nor there it seems.
The fever making me feel useless...
I saw Sunshine today for awhile.
He came to hand me some things.
I could not meet his eyes...
for my eyes were brimming with tears.
I just miss him. I miss talking to him.
I just miss my best friend.
A friend asked me if he asked would I get back together with him.
I thought about it and I realised that it would be so easy to revert to what I was familliar. After all we know each other inside and out... it would be so simple.
But... it would not last... not now anyways.
We would revert to the old ways and we would have our silences and empty moments all over again. The silences and empty moments that spoilt our relationship.
So, no. I would probably not get back together with him although I miss him so much. Although when I think of him, it still hurts.
Almost a month...Time really flies but hardly dimishes the emptiness.
I would like to say that I am over him.
That I am okay.
But I am working towards that... slowly surely somehow.
I miss his SMS's in the morning and before I sleep.
I miss the way he would SMS me at odd times during the day...
but I have learnt to live without these little comforts.
My fingers itch every now and then to SMS or call him when the day goes a little bit off tangent, I feel like telling him about my colleagues, the joys and the sorrows of the day, my thoughts and my hopes and every single little thing.
But I don't 'cos I know that it would do me no good whatsoever to call him so often. Sometimes it hurts though 'cos it seems that he doesn't seem to care at all. That life for him is the same when for me, there is this big empty chasm.
I am thankful though for so many things that have helped make these days bearable.
SMS's and MSN with Angelus who has been my strongest supporter through it all. The person who gives me advice and who listens to all my whining without judging. Then there are people that just happen to pop up in times when I needed a friend or someone to talk to: Wilson, Rufus (who gave me a cute Piglet toy and a book that I wanted), Danny for picking me up when I was sick in the office, P.Lo for the lovely letter and card, Sam for calls, SMS's and MSNing, David for being there listening and telling me stuff I needed to hear...
I am thankful for all these things and more.
I know that time heals all wounds.
I know that in time, the pain, the sadnes, the emptiness and the hurt will become less... but for now its hard to remember the comfort and advice I gave to others when they were in simillar situations... but all is not lost. Holding on to the belief that 'things happen for a reason', I will try my very best to look forward and to get over this in my own way. He will help me as He always does in moments of utter sorrow and He will make a way for me and help me get through this.
Tomorrow is a new day once again...
and I think it will be a good day.

Monday, April 21, 2008

It's been 3 weeks...

It's been 3 weeks...
...and I have crashed and burnt.
So much for thinking that I was okay.
Penang was great - moonlight walk on the beach, friends talking,
Chillis, food, the waves crashing on the shore, mum and me...
Sunday was bad - Dave and I, S and I, me without you, nasty drinks,
gold plastic, printer scanner, drunk dialing, a broken heart, many many tears...
the worse hangover and stomache ever.
I feel like I am in another place... a place I have never been too
and I don't know how to come back...
I don't know how to be me...
My body, my heart, my mind feels like it doesn't belong to me...
I stop and all I can do is stare at the past.
I am stuck in a moment.
It's a little better today...
Nineteen steps backwards yesterday...
One small step forward today...
I am sorry that I will most probably break your heart Sam.
I can't fix your heart 'cos mine is too broken
and I don't know how long it will take to mend it...
I need to be saved.
Empty. I feel so damn empty...
I am now picking up the pieces, trying to make sense of things
and I think I will admit it this once...
for now...
"I am not okay"
but I hope that soon, very soon, I will be okay.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

It's been 2 weeks

It's been 2 weeks.
I don't know why I am keeping count.
I just do.
The week flow by at a scary pace. It's just darn freaky.
Had several "crazy" moments at work last week and I may have developed several gray hairs because of it... bah hum bug! I know that the coming week will be filled with only better, happier days and smooth workflows and successful events. Also, early days to go home *grin grin*
Had a pretty good week last week (if you minus the "crazed" moments at work). I met up with my Facebook friend and we had dinner at KLCC. He seemed normal enough ~ thinks that I should be less serious though. I find that wierd since I never imagined that anyone could/would ever call me serious... but I guess the times are a changin'.
I have become more focused in the things that I want and the things I don't. I learning how to say "no" a little more and am learning that sometimes I just have to go with the flow and learn how to relax and live for the moment and not think to far or to deep in the future... though old habits are the hardest to break.
I uploaded all the photos and videoclips from my phone and camera. Things I have been meaning to do for ages but never go around to doing. There were so many photos of us from days of long long ago and it made my eyes all misty when I saw them... but well... there will be new memories to make I am sure.
Then there was the reunion. The nightout at Waikiki. Bala was singing as he usually does but the songs didn't seem as alive as it was once before, or perhaps it was just me having aged a just a little bit. The lights were twinkly and bright, the wind was just right and the drinks were delish. That night was interesting, a night filled with hope, a small bit of hope, but it was there and I am thankful for it.
I still feel empty inside, but things are a little better this week than before. I went to the park twice to sit on the swings. It has been awhile since I did that. So there I was... the lone idiot, swinging away with the dusk quietly falling around me, my favourie tunes blasting in my ears. I remembered so many things about the park then... there were many good memories in the park.
Took some photos of the park but it was too dark for any good ones I think. Well, was supposed to watch more Grey's Anatomy, but my dad has got the TV again... but I guess he needs his TV time. I have been parked with my mum infront of the telly with Grey's Anatomy the whole weekend and it was just great. I just love that show and I think that the men in the movie (well most of them) are pretty steamy and dreamy *smiles*
Well, tomorrow is just two hours away and I honestly can't wait for a new day to begin. Someone just offered me tickets to Vietnam for a holiday, a stranger might be not a stranger for long, an old friend is back in the picture and several old friends are back in my life again... I feel good things are brewing and flying my way *smiles smiles*
Dear God, thank you for Hope... the kind that really does float.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

It's been a week...

It's been a week ~ I have survived.
Not that I ever doubted my ability to survive, but there are moments when I just don't quite know how to feel, to act, to function even... though thankful those moments last for a flitting (flitting: verb, to move lightly and swiftly; fly, dart, or skim along: bees flitting from flower to flower) moment and I am back in control. Those moments though hurt like hell. I have been through some tough times, but the pain is always different and always just as painful.
The past week has been pretty good considering what has happened. My friends have been a blessing ~ calling when I needed to hear a friendly voice, SMS'ing to make me smile and to just take my mind of things, MSN'ing me silly jokes so that I laugh, sending me emails that make me remember that everyday is a blessing and just hanging out with me so that I wouldn't feel so alone. Bless you guys from the bottom of my heart.
Work has always kept me from thinking so much about things. Have been leaving work early the past week which has allowed me to watch several DVD's: Greys Anatomy Season 1, Mr Magoriums Wonder Emporium (an absolutely magical movie) and Little Manhattan. I have also been savouring my "alone time" though there are times when I get misty eyed when I think of him. Yes, I know! I am such a sap!!!
Had a wonderful time with the group (Yi Hwa, Tania and Nic) at Sids. We talked about so many things and had a lovely time munching on porkies and chippies and alco (thanks for the meal Tania!). It was good to catch up with them. Yews, you were missed!
Yesterday, I met up with Sunshine. We went to watch Disney on Ice at Bukit Jalil and then we went to Wendy's (just opened in Sunway Pyramid) for dinner. It was the same but different. I felt that we were overly cautious... afriad to say the wrong things... afraid to fall back to the old us... it was like walking on eggshells. I did enjoy myself but I did not. I didn't quite enjoy the show 'cos I knew that he did'nt like it and was worried that he would feel bored and I know he hated Wendy's too but went just because I wanted to. I also dread that I will not be seeing him for some time.
I miss him dreadfully. I miss the easy way we could talk and laugh and joke. Now everything has become strained. I guess I am hoping for too much... I hope though that in time things will get better between us, less of a strain, more like how we used to be but then again I don't know how that will ever work since what we were can never be.
I also got a call from G in the states. Too bad it was raining so heavily or I would have happily chatted with him for a longer period of time but it was just good to hear his voice. I also got a call from another friend and he just snapped at me on the phone and said that I was probably going to lose all my friends if I kept turning down their invitations to go out and that he was tired of talking to me. It hurt a little... I wish he knew what I was feeling, going through or had to do. People tend to always jump to conclusions and speak before they think about what to say.
Anyways, a new week is just around the bend. I know its going to be a good week. I am tired... I have dark cicrles under my eyes, several unsighly pimples on my face but I have heaps of hope and faith that makes everything look sparkly and new. May all of you have a blessed and wonderful week ahead.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I am still missing you

It's the second day without.
My eyes mist up every now and then.
My heart squeezes itself when I think of you...
but I am better... a little.
Someone else has a broken heart today...
I hope their hearts have a chance to heal.
At times I wish ours would heal...
I am still missing you.
Dear friends...
Thanks for the messages of hope received,
for emails that make me smile
the donuts, tarts and fruit.
Thanks for meeting up with me and calling me
to make sure I am ok.
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