I can’t believe that Christmas has crept upon me so very suddenly. All my grand plans for a joyful more meaningful Christmas this year has been drowned out by the incessant shouts of ‘sales’, ‘better bargains’ and ‘I wants…’ When I look at the bills, I shudder but know that the recipients of the said gifts will be happy… and yet for me the reality that Christmas is here has not really sunken in. I feel like I am missing out on something… as stupid as it sounds, to me, it doesn't feel that Christmas is here...
Once upon a time, my Christmas Eve’s were always magical. There was always such magic and anticipation on Christmas Eve… and now… I don’t quite feel the Christmas Spirit. I feel the Christmas Spirit though in the little things... in short bursts. In the bells that chimed, the songs that were sung and in the candles that were lit at midnight mass... but then as I left the church, the magic sort of slipped away. The party that I went to after that, a party that I had been looking forward to, turned out to be… just different. Maybe it was just me that was different and everything was as it should be… I don't know...
It’s also been awhile since I wrote on my blog. Awhile since I actually penned down my thoughts. Been awhile since I took the time out from my other things to write what is really bothering me. Really expressing myself and what I really want to say and not some hasty post written during lunch or way after office hours.
Time has crept up on me so suddenly and I feel a strange combination of feelings. I feel elated, I feel scared, I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel hurt, I feel adventurous, I feel disheartened, I feel jealous, I feel bitter, I feel melancholy, I feel confused… I feel so many things that at times (actually more often than not) I don’t quite know what I am really feeling. More often than not, I feel like I have to wear a mask to hide how I am really feeling which really sucks.
Several people have commented that I have changed. Have become more arrogant. Arrogant. Conceited. Haughty. Superior. Proud. I would never think that these words would ever be used to describe me… but I guess I was wrong. And it pains me to know that I have become as such.
My work really has changed me that at times I don’t quite know the person staring back in the mirror. I worry about work. I think about work. I strategize in my head about work. And I am sick of work for work has ruled my life these past two months and it has robbed me of much. I feel so tired. So drained… but in a sick sick way, I like the work that I do. Or maybe it’s the ‘kiasu-ism’ in me that wants to just be the best and do the best that I can. I can’t help it as well when I want to strive for more, want to do better, want to achieve more…
I can’t believe I am writing so much stuff about non-Christmas related stuff when I should be technically writing Christmasy things but I feel way better now having unloaded these little snippets of my burdens of my weary shoulders.
So here’s some Christmasy things:
* To my family and all my friends near and far, may you have a very Happy Blessed Christmas and a wonderfully memorable (in a good way) year ahead. May you receive abundant blessings from God above and gifts that only He can provide… Gifts of hope for better brighter days to come, of peace of mind, body and soul, of joy that bubbles at the very core of your being, of faith that all things will work out for the best if you believe and trust in God, of courage to face up to your fears and what the future holds in store for you, for strength to face the unknown and trials that may sometimes come your way, for kindness and compassion in a world of greed, hate and corruption, for wisdom to make the best decisions in life, for discernment to know right from wrong and most of all for love which is the bestest, most magical thing in the world...
To Sunshine thank you for being one of the pillars of my life. For being patient. For being always there, a steady rock in my uncertain world. For being a loving partner, my best friend and my missing rib. Thank you for the times you listened to my whinging without saying anything. For telling me the truth when I needed to hear it. For putting up with my nonsense and my strange mood swings. For picking me up when I work late. For back rubs, SMS’s, phone calls and just your thoughtfulness… for all the things that money cannot buy. You will always be my FLFKKD.
To B… thank you for being a good friend while I have been in HLB. For the laughs of which we have had many. For the long talks and drinks. For the times when you stayed back so that you could give me a lift home. For the friendship for ‘ten’ years. For just being you.
To G… thanks for coming back. It was one of the best Christmas presents received to date… just you being back.
To Cat, for the years of friendship, for you not judging me, for being a confidant, someone to laugh with and cry with and of course for our first ever trip to Singapore which was fun (but hectic and stressful!). We should do it again soon. Thanks for the Eeyore stuff btw! *grin grin*
To the bank folks… thanks for the SMS’s, the calls and the overall fun we have most days at work. To J.L thanks for the gossip, the food you constantly buy me (are you trying to make me fatter), the laughs and urgent SMS’s and calls you give me. To J.T for waking me up at the right time, for reminding me of who I am and for being an SMS buddy. To J.O for the smiles and food, I am happy that you have found someone. To L.W, thanks for the makan sessions at Jumpa, for the songs that you sing, for the laughter that we share, for the SMS’s and stupid emails.
To Philip… for the long chat we had the other day. It was wonderful to talk to you again and to remember the days passed. How time has flown since we met half way across the world.
To you, thank you for being in my life. For being there, a constant, vigilant Angel. I am sorry that I forget you sometimes. I am sorry if I have neglected you in any way. I think of you constantly and wish that things weren’t the way they are… but as always, everything happens for a reason and you are where you are and I am where I am. Just to let you know, I miss you with every core of my being…
Well, that’s enough Christmasy things…
Happy Blessed Christmas all.