Thursday, January 27, 2005

The consequences of...

Lately when I look into the mirror, I am not sure who I see and at more often than not, I don't even recognize the person that stares back at me.
Lately there seems to be a need for me to prove myself... that I am worth something... that I have a reason for living and that I was born to do something great, something...anything...
Lately I seem to be living more often in my own little dream world... perhaps it is only there that I live the life that I really want and where all my dreams are a reality.

I am reminded each day of the changes that are taking place around me. The things that we can control and the things that we have no power over and I am left puzzled and pissed of because I hate not being in control of things.
Then there are the things that you do that on the spur of the moment and you wonder for the upteenth time why you did the things that you did, why you said the things that you did... and you wonder and ponder as hard as you can and make up all kind of hypothetical reasonings in your mind.

I am not sure where my ramblings are taking me today. I just felt the need to write about the consequences of ones actions and the consequences of everything that happens. After each act is done and finished and after each sylablle is uttered... there are so many consequences that you have to deal with that at times I just want to sit in this little hole in some God forsaken place and never need to be a part of this giantic chain of consequences.

I did some things which I am not too proud of awhile back and at times when I am alone and when I stare at that face in the mirror or look at photos of that seven year old girl with the yellow hair band and pink frilly dress, I wonder what I have become and momentarily I hate myself... but the moment evaporates as suddenly as it comes and I am left being me... that me with the imperfections, the me with the sometimes shitty life, the me who tries to fill up the gaps of her empty life, the me who loves and who longs to be loved in return and the me who knows that the day will come when she will only be but a memory...

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Dreamweaver,
I reckon if any of our younger selves got to see who we turned out to be today, they'd definitely see something or things they don't like about our present self. Kinda like that movie, 13 going on 30.....
Unfortunately, i can't recommend you a place of refuge for you to get away from life and its consequences for a while. To be alive is to live and living has its consequences. And the worst part about it is that our actions will affect others, whether now or later. There were times where i used to ponder.....what if things were different? what if i did or didn't do whatever it was? what if i just kept my mouth shut? things like that. But at the end of it all, there was no point to it. It's already done. And there's no way you can change it because time can't and shouldn't be tempered with. So you can only do with what you have, with where you're at.
Cheer up Dreamweaver, no one's perfect in this world. Our imperfections are what makes us human. We all make mistakes. As far as love's concerned and for someone whose heart got torn out over a year ago, I'm able to say that i'm not looking for love though i know, someday, it'll come my way. And you'll get your chance Dreamweaver. One day, some guy will come your way and sweep you off your feet and for all you know you will get what you want out of life.
I know this isn't going to help much but you should really stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, it's a sad and a difficult life, no doubt, but we all go through it. So you're hardly ever alone.

Angelus

Anonymous said...

Dear Dreamweaver.

Nothing in life is what it seems...

Things which are real are pretty much un-romantic and un-constructive at most time. To look down in yourself in murky waters, in oneself, its like looking yourself in a mirror as you say. What you see, is nothing more than a shell.. of an existance... Why do we exist... is there no purpose...

How morbid is the world out there behind those curtain in our rooms.

But in a ironic twist,

the mirror is forced to, only show what actually is, and that is something to look forward too. Something to change, to leave behind, to grow... or wilt, I really don't know... myself that is.

I know this seemed to be a little irrelevant, however, you can only do so much and reach that far. Its a box out there eventhough you try so hard...

You need to go someplace somewhere, and find what you want... It was never here, it never was. Travel and packed your bags, your life is never meant to be here, its meant to be outthere. To look outside this box, our society. You urge to move but yet you don't, is there something here you don't want to let go.

Please forgive me for this unkind words, for I do not wish to see.. The dreamweaver who is waking from a dream. A friend who was never was, and never here.. I'm sorry if the fall came, cause the breeze was never the same.

From a friend

ps* I too have demons, i need to clear, and yes, there are things I refuse to let go myself.. Its because we are all just human... and never an angel. We are just human.... sorry again.. just felt like writing it down.. Cheers...

* Dream Weaver * said...

Dear Anonymous... the author of the last comment,

Well I have to say that your comment wasn't all I expected to recieve... but it is something. Atleast you are being real and true in writing out what you feel, though I have to say that there are parts that I myself do not understand.

I don't even know what I want dear friend. So I don't think upping off and leaving is wise. Its like searching for the end of the rainbow... so obsecure and so out of reach... you travel all over to look for it and it disappears.

I want to go somewhere... really I do. But things are not so simple. If you really knew me, you would know that. "... your life is never meant to be here, its meant to be outthere."... How do you know this?
And yes there are things that I don't want to let go off and I think if any of us were to look inside ourselevs you'll see that each of us have things we hold on too which we refuse to let go.

And yes... all of us run from demons that only our eyes can see and that is sad... for I strive to exorcise them as best as I can. The demons of the past and the fears of the future linger in my mind all the time, but sometimes they are gone in those moments when I am so happy with life and with the way things turn out.
I want more of these happy moments... I gues we all want more of them too.

I wish you all the best in getting rid of your demons and if by any chance I can be of help to you... you know where to find me as you are my friend (eventhough I don't know you). Don't be sorry about writing any of this down... hope to hear more from you. *God bless*

HabitualDamnation said...

they fight, they fight, they fight, they fight, they fight..fight fight fight, fight fight fight... the itchy and scratchy showwwwwwwwwwww

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