I just got home from a the last show of "'I have dreamed'An evening with Sean Ghazi" the show that I was helping out with at the Actors Studio in Bangsar. I went today with my mum, an old friend and the Possum. The performance was wonderful and all of them enjoyed themselves. Wanted my dad to come but he wanted to stay home.. I guess he is a very homely man and on somedays I am like him as well longing to stay in the confines of my home sweet home, particularly my little room a.k.a the piggy house... =) (yes yes I will clean it up...... eventually!)
Well you must be wondering why I am writing twice in a day and what an odd title I have put today..
But I figure that this is the most appropriate title for now for I do not know where I am right now in matters of the heart.. 'Unknown Zone'. Much like the last time when I was lamenting about a broken heart and being lied to an etc. Well the same thing has happened all over again... *sigh sigh sigh* I don't know what made me think that I would be okay that things will not be repeated over and over again? What made me think that I was strong enough and capable enough to withstand this thing that I am battling? What made me think that things would be different this time? What made me think these things.. these thoughts?
So here I sit in the back room where I always am, in this unknown zone wishing fervently that I was stupid and naive and that I did not care about the things that I care about, thinking that if maybe I was 'cooler' and more 'understanding' then maybe I wouldn't be in this crap arse mood and situation and I wouldn't be so 'uptight' and 'anal retentive' and 'sensitive' about certian issues.
BUT the fact is I am like that! Plain and simple me still wishing on rainbows and fountains, looking under leaves and flowers for fairys, hoping to see Angels guiding me (obviously at the moment they are on vacation of something), delighted with any little thing that has the ability to make me smile and a host of other simple little things in life that make me.. me.. plain and simple me.
My heart tells me a different story, so does my head. So I am torn as I always am. The words of my lecturer Mr M haunts me.. ".. you know as well as I do that this is an endless circle and that things will happen again and again, right?" Bugger him for saying what I feared out aloud.
I think that I will take the bus tomorrow to college. Its going to be a long day tomorrow.. the whole day. I will make the best out of it and I will not let 'things' ruin my day, week, or month. I have been thru worse shit than this and I know that I can cross to the other side perhaps with scars and torn wings and the whole lot of gashes on the heart and the whole load of injures one always gets when they are battling with this sort of problems. But as always, the bunny rabbit with butterfly wings will as always fly again.. not so well.. but fly again she will as she always does.
* The little bunny now not only tired and sore, but with torn wings and a bruised heart thinks back to happier sunnier better days and dabs at her some what misty eyes and pads slowly to her room at the top of the stairs, washes her face, dries her little brown eyes and cuddles into bed with her comforter and sleeps like a popiah and wishes and hopes as she always does that her little dreams, wishes, hopes and prayers will come true and that God will bless and watch over all those whom she loves.. The little bunny closes her eyes and sleeps soundly *