This post is NOT about how 'I miss that Boy' nor is it about how I ‘feel’ about that boy.
This post is also NOT about the colony of ants that seem to have invaded my workstation, the weekend that is approaching, the movies that I have watched recently, the books that still call to me on a daily basis, my days at work, my moaning about not having enough time to do the things I want, my love hate relationship with FB, the Wednesday that felt like a Monday or anything of that sort.
This post is about unloading the thoughts and words that have been lingering at the back of my mind and the tip of my tongue waiting for an apt day to be released…and well (drumroll) the day has finally arrived *Yay Yay*.
NOTE 1: This post was written in a non-PMS mood and was written simply because it was time to let it all go… (I am quite certain that I am not PMS-ing)
I believe that I am a pretty open person…one who is able to talk about an array of topics ranging from disgusting toilet habits to the environment to arts and crafts to reptiles. I also believe that I am quite a tolerant person, holding my tongue when in my mind there is a steady stream of words ready to burst forth. However, 96% of the time I keep quiet to try and maintain the peace in the hopes that that person would get the hint and leave me alone or to just go away or to just change the topic. Besides, I was advised from a young age that retaliation more often than not, is an unwise choice and that my battles need to be picked carefully.
However, my patience has been waning. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I think many people have been taking me for granted. Assuming that I will always be there to listen to them (when they don’t want to listen to me when I have something to say), to loan them $ (as if working in THE Bank means that I automatically have heaps of money – so not true), dig them out of the pit they have fallen/crawled into, to forgive them over and over again when they constantly hurt you (Its quite emotionally draining to do so) and etc. Perhaps this post also stems from me facing the mirror and realizing that sometimes bottling it all in isn’t quite the answer.
So here’s what I want to say but didn’t say out loud when I had the chance:
NOTE 2: The words below may be unpleasant for some
NOTE 3: Replying and saying “I was just joking when I said it, why you take everything so seriously one?” is just overused, boring and unoriginal. If it was a joke (hahaha - forced laughter) I don’t think it was a good or successful one and I guess underneath it all I am sensitive and slightly serious (NOTE 4: Individuals who really get me would already have known this.)
~ Petite people should not wear long (quite aunty) skirts up to their calves coupled with flats. It only makes them look shorter and stumpier. Carrying a black backpack and wearing a white flair skirt coupled with flats not only makes a petite person look shorter and stumpier, but it also looks out of place with the abovementioned clothes and is not at all fashion savvy or ‘cute’. Plus black with pastels and whites do NOT go together.
~ Talking about makeup bores me (unless we talk about the brands, marketing, advertising, colours that blend together or the super high prices of the said makeup). It is equivalent to me talking about my scrapbooking – which everyone, excluding scrappers themselves, thinks is a bore. So please don’t expect me to think it is an interesting topic that I can comment and debate about because it’s tiring to keep the conversation going. Everyone has their right to have their own interests and for the moment, cosmetics are not one my interests. I have no intention to use makeup when I go out or go to work (I may think about applying makeup for very very very special occasions) though surprisingly, I have a pretty remarkable collection of makeup stashed away. For me, mascara is not ‘the most important thing in one’s life or handbag’ as quite a number of women and this amusing lady from Maybeline seems to think and believe. On a separate note, I don’t think I have heard of individuals dropping dead due to the lack of eye makeup as believed by some eye makeup dependants.
~ I also think that saying that you are “FAT” when you are actually normal in size, have optimum weight, are slim or are preying-mantis-thin is annoying and insulting to people in the vicinity who are actually not the ‘ideal’ weight. It makes the person whining about their “fat-ness” seem stupid, childish and insensitive. Blame the world or blame advertising they say, for stereotyping that the "perfect" female should be slim with a small waist, a nice tight round bum, a huge rack to match and still be able to fit in children’s clothes... but I guess that's just what we have been ingrained to believe and think about when we think of a "perfect" female. For the women who constantly talk about being "fat” when they are in actual fact an S size or an M(perhaps you suffer from an eating disorder or have low-self image of yourself or any other such diseases relating to how your view yourself – I apologise if that is the case and have numbers of counseling centres that may assist you), please just stop talking about being "fat". I am sure there are other more interesting things to talk about besides you being “fat” such as the weather or perhaps to just watch the grass grow or cheese to turn moldy.
~ I will never be that “perfect” woman (although some people seem to think that I can – bless them!) and I am okay with that. I am okay and have accepted the fact quite a while ago that I am chunkier than the normal Asian woman, that I may have the oddest dress sense at times with a pension for clothes leaning towards the “aunty/ugly” rack and that I have arms that are not sticks and that I will never be the winner/runner-up/contestant for Miss Malaysia World/Universe/petite. The thing is, I find that a handful of people can’t seem to accept this fact. They want me to change - to wear nicer trendier clothes like other girls they know, to have a make-over (they never think about where the money is going to come from) and to just be more “lady-like” (though for my part, I do want to be a little less boy-ish).
Some like to joke (or perhaps it’s the truth disguised as a joke) that I am embarrassment to them when I walk beside them wearing clothes that are not up to their standards. Some say that I don’t have fashion sense which I don’t quite agree with because I do have some fashion sense (refer to first comment above), just not the same sense as theirs (Say in unison: It’s not bad. It’s not good. It’s just different!). Then there are the jokes of how “fat” I am (a little overused I feel), the comments to look nicer, lose more weight and generally to be the opposite of what I am now. They claim to ‘love’ me but I don’t see the love they profess... or perhaps it is the kind of love which I am not used to but which I honestly don’t want or need for that matter (The statement, with friends like these who needs enemies, comes to mind).
~ I am also a little bit of a retard when it comes to attracting the male species. I may not have the grace or flair necessary to capture the attention and affections of a man/men but I strongly believe that ‘somewhere out there beneath the big blue sky’ there is someone who likes me, cares for me and loves me just as I am with all my imperfections. And though it might take another minute, another hour, another day, month, year or years... I am sure he will get around to finding me *smiles* (God's handling that dept for me at the moment).
~ A tip: When a boy tries to impress a girl they are going after, it is not advisable to diss another girl in front of them much less one that is present at the table. It makes you look ungentlemanly and impolite however charming and witty you seem to believe you are. The girl you are trying to woo might not care, totally miss the joke or laugh politely but would you really want to date a girl that doesn’t stick up for her own ‘sisterhood’? For me, I would rather choose the girl that would stick up for the ‘victim’ of the said dissing and who would give you a piece of her mind and speak up about you being ungentlemanly, rude and insensitive to the poor ‘victim’ stirring her drink at the table. But then again that is just want I would do………
~ There is also the realization that other people seem to think that I am a ‘standby’. Always on the ready should anyone need a substitute or date at the tenth hour (Incidentally the person who spoke this "gem" of a sentence has since been removed from the list of people I respect/like. That person probably thought he was of course being wonderfully witty and smart when he said that - bahhumbug!). This comment that this person made, makes me sound pathetic with seemingly no life at all. I wonder if anyone defended me when this comment was made. I have a feeling there wasn’t anyone who did - outloud sigh. This passing comment has made me not only feel as mentioned above, pathetic with no life, but it makes me feel damn foolish for the times when I thought I was being a good friend by helping them out.
~ Politics and I don’t go together. I know that the political climate is very exciting at the moment and I have to admit that it is… but at the same time there is so much going on at the same time and so much I don’t understand. I have also been pretty ignorant of the political scene in the country and I wish I had paid more attention, but alas the whole ‘I can’t change things nor turn back time’ comment. Slowly but surely I am trying to learn and understand what is going on so please don’t expect me to learn and know everything in one day. I do love my country and blablabla… but then I always wonder, who’s telling the truth here and will we ever really know what happened. The whole ‘the truth will prevail’ thing is just hard to accept when money speaks the loudest and corruption is rampant.
~ I also feel that making ‘jokes’/commenting about me not supporting my friends and of me being jealous of my ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend is freaking annoying especially in front of people that I don’t quite know. It makes me sound like a horrible person which I know I am not. For the record, I am not jealous and have never been happier for my exs who have already gotten married, are engaged or who are in wonderful relationships.
~ Some jokes at my expense which may seem funny once or twice, over time may be just boring and lame. Get new jokes or rather just zip it or alternatively you can get a joke book and repeat jokes from the book to whoever will listen.
~ I am afraid to drive. I have a license (took the exam twice and didn’t give any ‘kopi money’ to get my license) but am worried that if I get behind the wheel I might just damage the car I am driving, damage someone else’s car or hurt/kill someone/several people. I have the $ to buy a car (although buying a car at this point in time is really not a prudent idea) and to be honest it is really tough to not have my own mobility and to constantly rely on other people’s generosity and kindness to pick me up and drop me of (It is also slightly embarrassing to keep asking and inconveniencing others to send me home or wherever it is I want to go) but I need to work on my courage first and foremost and its really tough. So to those folks who ferry me around constantly even though I live out of the way, a really really big ‘thank you’. It means a lot to me when you guys offer your help to send me home or to wherever it is I want to go.
~ It’s also tiring to always worry for you. For your situation in life right now. It’s tough to be the adult for you. It’s tough fighting and supporting you when I am doing all my own fighting and supporting – I can’t fight every battle alone... its tiring. It also pisses me off tremendously that your priorities in life are a little off tangent and I constantly pray that you will receive the wisdom to make the right decisions in life. I know that you are stressed, but it’s stressful for me as well and I know you do your best but please, please try to clean up your act and make things right again… not so much for my sake or everyone else’s sake but for your own sake.
Well that was enough uploading for this session I think. I feel wayyy better letting it all go but I don’t know about the people reading this or how they will feel after this. No doubt they will probably think I am PMS-ing or that I am being sensitive or am feeling moody… but to be brutally honest, I am happy typing this all out (I am actually *grinning*). Now to end this lengthy post (did I hear a “phew” or did no one reach this far?) which has taken a good 2 hours to write, I will leave you with a story that my father (he sends me really cool stuff on an almost daily basis) just sent me via email which I think is a wonderful ending to my rants and a good way to start a fresh again. Cheers!
NOTE 5: This post is not intended to hurt or piss off anyone (if I did I apologise) but it was necessary for my sanity and well-being *grin grin*
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! So, shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less