The clock ticks closer to my 28th birthday. For once, I do not dread the passing of another year and look forward instead to my 28th year. Again however, I have to lament that time passes by too quickly and we seldom appreciate or grasp the true meaning of being alive. The other day, I decided to pause my activities and walk back into my yesterdays to take stock of things and to remember as well as to clear the things that I no longer needed. As I sifted through the many things that I found, memories I had forgotten or put aside surfaced and I found myself smiling more than I wept *hoorah hoorah*
Anyways, I thought that this would be an apt time to finally unload some of my thoughts that have been floating around in my head for some time (be warned, it’s another long post)… so here goes…
On family My family is aging. My parents whom I love are getting older as are my other relatives. I have so many memories of my family. Of daily rituals with my family which I once didn’t understand and thought a bother but which I now cherish, Sundays with my relatives when we are younger and the unbridled fun we used to have, the few trips we shared, the simple joys in just lying down and talking to my parents, watching TV together and commenting and laughing about what we watched, shopping together for groceries, watching my relatives play poker, old coffee drips, vats of orange or barley lime drink, large bowls of soup, the U shaped see saw, Sandylion stickers …
They are all simple memories really, nothing great or grand but which nevertheless added up to so much. If I had known then, I would have appreciated those days long gone more instead of being indifferent and taking them for granted. I wondered then how many more memories we would all share together and I wept because the numbers were unknown.
Yet I am filled with joy because when I look back, I realized that I am so blessed. So blessed to have such a family. I hear stories of how they grew up and the trials and tribulations and the joys that they faced and I am proud to be a part of this family. To be honest, I don’t really know all my relatives well, we don’t quite meet much at all these days, but whenever we do meet, it’s great just to be there amongst them.
I feel closer to my family these days. The walls are coming down and we are more open to each other and I am happy about that. I also reckon that being a family is about accepting and being accepted for who you are and being a part of this whole group of people who are so diverse and yet bonded together by blood, by our history and by love. To think that if things had progressed on the way they did, I might have been a very influential triad family in Sentul and other parts of KL!
On friends I don’t have very many friends although my Facebook friend’s page says otherwise. On any given day, I think I have just a handful of people that I can truly call friends. They are the kind of people that really accept you fully without reserve. They have shared your past, your present and will journey along with you into the future. They have watched you change from a girl into a woman, as you grew up (and sideways in my case) and as you went through each stage of your life. Some friendships naturally die over time as we grow and change and yet some remain through the seasons. I feel sad for some of the friendships lost over time, but I believe it was meant to be, we will meet again and rekindle that friendship lost.
I always thought that I took good care of my friends, but it saddens me to realize that through the years, I have let boyfriends, work and life in general to get in the way of our friendships. So moving onwards, I will try my best to keep and nurture the friendships that I still have. I am truly grateful for the friends that I still have these wonderful people who have stuck by me and cheered me on - really, you all mean so much to me.
On simple acts of kindness A day before my aunt’s birthday, my brother and I got her a cake. It was a surprise. She was happy when the cake was set before her and she laughed and smiled as we sang to her. However, midway, she started to cry and one of my other aunt’s cried too (I had misty eyes as well) as the “happy birthday” song was sung loudly by all of us there. I believe they were tears of happiness and of joy for being remembered. She’s the eldest in the family and her husband recently passed away. She has lived through cancer and has had several operations and she stands strong today, her trust placed solely in the Lord’s hands. She was so happy and so grateful for the cake. A simple cake that cost so little and yet meant so much. Truly a priceless moment. I only wished that all her sisters and brothers could be there celebrating along with her.
This I believe is a good example of a simple act of kindness and I my heart swells when I think of all the little things that I have done through the years that have elevated someone’s happiness, that have dried someone’s tears and that has in some ways changed another’s life – from listening to another’s problems, to sharing my food, to giving, to supporting, to cheering, to smiling… no matter how small, I think it mattered.
I also do acknowledge the things that I could have done and didn’t do, and the hurtful mean intentional things I have done and said that have or caused pain to others. I have made amends when and where I could, but know I can’t take anything back or change the past but I will try my best to refrain from tearing down when I could be building up instead.
I don’t know my full purpose in life (I have yet to finish the book “Purpose Driven Life” and God has yet to reveal His plans for me) but I know this – that my life was put here on this earth, if not for something big, then at least for these simple acts of kindness which I will continue to do.
On love I loved being in love. I was always in “love” with someone and used the word “love” so loosely when to be honest, it was a term for being lonely, for being in lust, for being infatuated. I have been in love before, but I think out of the numerous people that I have gone out with, only a few really count as real boyfriends.
What I realized about love I have written before (read Love Etc.) and I know for a fact that broken hearts do mend over time. That wounds and broken spirits also heal, in time. I also know that the end of the world does not come about because someone didn’t love you in return. The world and everything else continues to move around you, waiting for you with open arms to come back and join in its rhythm and dance.
Although you will never be the same with a fractured heart and puffy eyes, I believe we are all so much more beautiful because of it and no matter how hard it is, we must never let hate seep into us. There is no point in hating another. It is such a strong emotion that can suck so much out of you and provide you with nothing but a hollow emptiness. For me, I dislike a few people but it has never come to hate.
I still cringe and am ashamed of myself for some of the things that I have done in the past and I still do berate myself for them but I accept them and as always, it is only through these life lessons that you learn and grow. I know I have become a better person through it all and I hope that by God’s grace as I continue on this journey of love, that I become a better person. I am not that same girl that I was back then and I can only hope that as I look back over my life in retrospect, I will see myself only improving in all mattes and not solely on matters of the heart.
Just like any normal woman, I also wait earnestly for “the one” and conjure up daydreams of weddings and happy endings but I know that when the time is right, all things will fall into place and that God has already ordained these things in His time, not mine. And what if it never happens and I don’t get my happy ending? What if my heart gets broken again you wonder? Well it would be horrible, but I will live. I will cry, I will eat, I might drink, I will bitch, I will cry, I will pray, I will place my trust in Him and I will pick up the pieces and rebuild my life and live. I will in the meantime hold his heart close to mine and hope for the best and I will continue to hope for my happy ending and pray that all things work out well.
On pets Dogs used to scare me and to a certain extent they still do. But I have fallen in love with 2 dogs, namely Moshi and Lulu. They are so adorable.
I also reckon that some people don’t have kids but have dogs instead because it is so endearing to have a dog greet you every time you come home or to lick your face whenever you are down. They listen to you and don’t judge you and they are always there with more love. I also read that animals are therapeutic to heal and comfort people. They have a certain magic about them though honestly, I don’t quite see any magic in cats cos they are proud and stupid (sorry Marina but the ones I have met are not great).
I had a few pets while I was growing up, namely my numerous tortoises, one rabbit, many many fishes, 2 hamsters and several colourful chicks. My heart longs for a dog now. A dog which I can cuddle and hold and who will greet me each time I come home. But it’s a huge responsibility and one which I sadly don’t think I can take on at this point in time. However, if you ever get a chance to have a pet, or if you already have one, consider yourself so very blessed and give them a hug for me.
On things Hoarder! That’s what I am. I have too many things. Yet each item I have more or less tells a story. That’s me a storyteller and the things are my ‘props’. I got rid of quite a number of things recently and in a way it made me feel a little more free, less burdened in a way. I have a long way more to go but I am making some sort of progress which is great. I also found a whole bunch of stuff that I was supposed to give away but never did, so if you dear reader receive a really old letter or card or birthday gift, my apologies for the late delivery. And if you want to hear some stories, albeit maybe not as exciting to you as it were to me, let me know and I will bring some of my ‘props’ along.
On truth The truth hurts and cuts like a knife but it really does set you free. You just have to look past the hurt and the cuts.
On work Work. I can say many things about work. Quite a number of negative stuff and quite a number of good stuff as well. I do enjoy the work that I do though I moan a lot about how some things are run and etc. but overall I think I have been blessed in this job. For those of you who don’t already know, I had a double promotion last year. Personally, it is a huge achievement on my part and I thank God for providing for me.
However, as the job title changes from senior executive to manager, the work load and responsibilities are increasing. I am also exposed to more different people and different ways of working. Instead of being a doormat and taking it all in all the time, I am trying my best to stick up for myself, speaking out and questioning the way things are run and changing them when needed. I am also learning how to balance work and life and how to leave work at work instead of bringing it home with me - it's tough at times to do this. It certainly helps to have people who understand you and who you can speak to. People who just lessen the load by sharing a laugh or making a funny comment.
I see big things at work for me this year. I believe I can reach them if I truly want it but there is much to sacrifice, namely time. However, I will see how things go and I believe with God’s guidance and wisdom, I will find my own ground and my way in time.
On values If you don’t have values you don’t have very much. Stick to your principles and hold strong to them. It is difficult to sometimes accept the people around me who have different sets of values from my own. I find it hard to accept them and the way they deal with things and the way they run their business and their life. What is “normal” and acceptable to them may not be the same for me. Going against your colleagues and peers and saying “no” may not be the best thing for your career and your self image in another’s eyes but I think if you lose your values and your principles, what kind of person will you eventually become? No better than a puppet being pulled and jerked by its master or a fool following instructions blindly.
I am not being mightier than thou nor am I standing loftily as if I had a very high moral standing, I merely think that as I grow older, my convictions and my values has deepened. People view you by the way you act, the way you speak and the way you behave and even sometimes the way you dress and although you may say that “who cares, let them judge you and blablabla”, word eventually gets out about the 'real' you and it will come to bite your behind in the end. Values can’t be bought. They have to be nurtured and I only pray that when the time comes, I will be able to stand strong and say “no” and walk away. I also pray that I learn to be more tolerant of other people’s differences and to learn how to look past them.
So yes… long post huh? So very like typing diarrhea! Before I forget, let me also take this opportunity to say thank you my dear readers for faithfully visiting and reading this blog which has still remained as it is from the day of its birth. Here’s to an awesome 27th year and a new upcoming 28th year which will be even more awesome, successfully, joyful and blessed.
My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him;
for my hope and expectation are from Him….
Trust in, lean on, rely on, and have confidence in Him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts before Him.
God is a refuge for us, a fortress and a high tower